Then I started talking about the feelings I came to struggle with and so the pages started to get darker. The scribbles were rougher and my writing didn't consist of little flowers and sweet moments anymore. Now they were deep dark thoughts that were begging to be heard and my diary provided that. I knew I could write anything down that I wanted to talk about without being judged, because there was only me who saw the pages.
But then something happened where I didn't feel like I could be truly myself anymore and journals started to feel like they could be shown at all times and they weren't a safe place anymore.
I started to make the pages look visually appealing, using stickers and papers to brighten the pages up. It created so much joy for me to be creative and it became a place of freedom again. I could create entire aesthetics, while also being able to clear my head by writing down the things I've experienced or felt. It was so fun while it lasted.
Because then I started to feel the pressure of needing to write things down that were more mundane and impersonal, as there was always a chance that I might show the pages to someone. Because I've made them look pretty.
And I wanted to show those pages for that reason, but that meant I couldn't really be myself anymore. I started to feel restricted in what I could write about and got the fear of others seeing my personal thoughts again. I had begun to show my pages to the world through instagram. Which was fun for a little while, especially because I got inspired by other people who shared their beautifully created pages.
But the fun was gone, it didn't really feel like a safe space anymore and I just stopped. I did try though, I made different journals where I thought I would have the inspiration again, but if I didn't, I just made another one. I made my own Travelers Notebook, then a junk journal and then I went back again. Both were really fun to make and write in, but the pressure and need of perfection was still there. And although I am proud of how those books look, I didn't write in them anymore.
My time went to other things and for a little while I just didn't write anything anymore, until I decided to try and make the passport version of the Travelers Notebook. It's a smaller version and it's super compact! As I love the concept of a TN, the idea that you can have different inserts and collectively carry multiple little notebooks in one cover, that's interesting. So I made the smaller one and it worked! The size wasn't intimidating and I found a way where I could be creative in creating the inserts, but when it comes to writing I can just go about how I see fit.
I still feel a bit like I can't be personal yet, but everything on it's own time! I'm glad I didn't stop and try different things to see what worked best for me. Perhaps I'll pick up a premade journal and see how that goes. It's just a journey, but in the end it's a way to clear your head and have a place to be free with your thoughts and ideas. So I'll just keep on going and find a way to unlock everything that's inside, onto paper!
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